Our Words Matter A Lot

Words Matter – Be Careful How You Use Them

I’ll never forget something one of my kaiako said to me when I was a kid.

I was mucking around in class – not being disruptive, but not exactly paying attention either. And instead of telling me off, she just looked at me and said, “Anton, he pai ake koe i tēnā” (you’re better than that)

That was it. Just a few, carefully chosen words - but they hit different.

She didn’t call me lazy. She didn’t tell me I was wasting time. She didn’t even raise her voice. Her calm voice let me know I wasn’t living upto my potential and the expectations she rightfully had of me. And those words stuck with me long after that class ended - apparently.

That’s the power of kupu.

The Way We Speak Shapes Everything

The way we kōrero with our kaimahi, our whānau, even ourselves – has a massive impact.

I see it every day in my own mahi.

You can usually express the same message or sentiment in a few different ways, and depending on how you shape what you say, it’ll either uplift someone or shut them down completely.

💡 “You stuffed that up.” or “I know you can do better.”
💡 “You’re always late.” versus “I need to be able to rely on you.”
💡 “That’s wrong.” could instead be “Let’s figure out how to improve it.”

One version makes someone defensive and quite frankly, a bit shit about themselves. The other challenges them to be better - to problem solve and learn.

Same message – different outcome.

The Way We Speak to Ourselves Matters Too

And don’t think this tikanga only applies to how we speak to others. Sometimes (often) we save the worst words for ourselves!!

Imagine if a friend was struggling, and they came to you for advice. You wouldn’t say, “You’re useless” or “You’ll never figure it out” or “Just give up.”

But how often do we say those types of things to ourselves?

I’ve caught myself doing it plenty of times over the years (but I’m working on it). Making a mistake and thinking, “I’m such an idiot, how did I miss that?” Having a tough day and telling myself, “Man, maybe I’m not cut out for this.”

But here’s the thing – your kupu become your reality.

If you constantly tell yourself you’re not good enough, eventually, you’ll just believe it.

If you constantly put yourself down, you’ll start living down to that expectation.

But good news - It works the other way too. When I’m in the thick of it, and that little voice starts creeping in, I’ve learned to flip the script. Instead of, “I can’t do this,” I tell myself, “I’ve done hard things before and I’ll figure this out.” Instead of, “I’m terrible at this” I say, “I’m still learning how this all works, but it’ll get easier and when it does, that’ll feel great.”

Sounds small – but it makes a huge difference.

Kupu Can Build or Break – Choose Wisely

We all have moments where we’re frustrated – with our kaimahi, with our tamariki, with each other and even with ourselves. And in those moments, it’s easy to choose words that put down rather than lift up and give people something to aspire to work towards.

A single careless comment can linger in someone’s mind for years. But so can a word of encouragement at the right time.

So, the wero (challenge) for all of us? Be intentional with your kupu. Because they’re powerful.

Ngā mihi,
Anton